6 Types of Annoying People in Corona Times
Hello again, fellow isolated people!
I have no idea how long it’s been since my last post because I have lost all sense of time and I’m too lazy to check (even though it would literally take 30 seconds). What I do know is that I’ve spent the last week (or was it three days? who knows anymore) aspiring to write this particular post because I’m in rant mode. I didn’t write it on the spot because I was too busy ranting…internally.
The good thing about internal rants is that most of the explicit, politically incorrect content is usually out of my system and therefore doesn’t find its way to the keyboard. The bad news is that I feel it takes away from the raw beauty of the rant; the art of ranting is delicate, refined. Once you rant, you need to go all out and expose a piece of your soul to the world.
Poetic, huh? I’ve been told I have a way with words.
Image: Giphy.com
I’ll be interrupting the story time series, but rest assured it’ll be back on track soon enough because I can’t wait to tell you about the time I accidentally pepper-sprayed myself.
For now, however, let’s talk about people in isolation. Let’s talk about how this crazy virus has somehow managed to help us (or just me) find new, fresh reasons to hate people. Based on my scientific evidence (aka my time spent on social media), I’ve managed to categorize annoying isolation personalities into six categories.
#1 The one complaining about social distancing (despite not social distancing)
Let me preface this by saying that complaining is healthy and encouraged (see poetic description of rants above). However, it’s tacky to complain excessively if you don’t have anything to complain about per se.
My social media feeds are filled with people talking about how social distancing is “driving them crazy” and “OMG such a bummer bigad,” and yet all their posts are about them…socializing?
Image: Giphy.com
I’m talking sleepovers, house parties (no, not the app), beachside drinks – the works. These people aren’t letting the virus control their lives, and I’m not judging. These are unique circumstances and we’re all dealing differently and that’s fine.
But for the love of god, either post all your pictures and stop being such a whiny fucking bitch or don’t post any pictures and whine to your heart’s content while we sympathize under the false assumption that you’re actually practicing social distancing. You can’t have both. You just can’t.
Well, technically, you can, but you’ll risk getting punched in the face when this is all over. By me.
#2 The introvert that’s drunk on power
This character is the complete opposite of the whiny complainer and somehow, slightly worse.
As an introvert, I can tell you that this isolation is, in fact, easier for me compared to others. If you’re used to partying every weekend and seeing your friends every night, getting used to being alone can be pretty tough. I’m used to spending at least three or four nights a week by myself so the transition has been much easier.
But does that give me a right to hold it over your head? Hell no!
The introverts deciding to take to social media to tell people to “man up” and “stop bitching about staying home” are such jerks because they assume everyone else has an introverted side, which is simply not true. By doing so, they make others feel worse about themselves and they end up thinking there’s something wrong with them.
These are tough times, and it literally costs 0$ to not be a douche. Don’t be a douche.
#3 The overachiever
This person hasn’t technically done anything wrong, but I’m pissed at them nonetheless. Hey, it’s my blog, not a scientific journal – I’m allowed to be biased.
All those fucking Instagram stories about how being isolated has allowed you to take control of your eating habits, learn to bake, write a novel, have abs, and free Palestine all at the same time are SO fucking annoying.
Ugh, have you ever heard of succeeding in silence? Are you not aware that there are lazy slobs (aka me) who have done nothing beyond eating and shitting today?
I could just mute them, but one of my daily activities (besides eating and shitting) is to take some time each day to mindfully hate these people and diagnose them as borderline sociopaths.
Image: Giphy.com
If you’re super productive and motivated during a pandemic, I’m afraid I can’t trust you. Something evil lurks within.
#4 The one that hopes quarantine will last forever
“The world has finally slowed down!”
“I have so much time to pursue my hobbies now.”
“This is an opportunity for me to relax!”
Let’s not forget that actual people are dying and losing their jobs and your economy is most definitely fucked, so your temporary relief from the daily stresses of life is bound to come to an end, sweetheart.
This doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the perks of this downtime, but wishing it’ll last forever is such an insensitive thought.
Maybe instead of wishing it’ll last forever, think about how fucked up your life was before that a fucking pandemic made it better. Think about what needs to change; slow your own world down.
Stressful job? Maybe try job hunting for something less intense, consider changing your career, or just try to meditate every morning.
Anxiety? See a therapist, take anti-anxiety medications, smoke some weed.
Spoiled kids? I don’t know, maybe use a condom next time.
Image: Tenor.com
#5 The misery competitor
Ahhh, my favorite.
You know those friends that always love to one-up you when it comes to complaining? You tell them you only slept two hours last night and boom! they tell you they haven’t slept for three days. You tell them you fought with your parents and boom! they tell you that their parents were killed outside a movie theater when they were young (that friend may be Batman).
My point is, they can never just let you complain and rant for the sake of it.
In isolation, this competitive streak takes on a life of its own. Try complaining about your shitty internet and they’ll tell you their wifi has been down for a month. Try telling them about the tension at home and they’ll tell you you’re lucky to even be able to see your parents. Tell them about how worried you are about potential infection and they’ll tell you someone sneezed on them at the subway.
These types of people are attention whores and drama queens, and they don’t understand that proper rant etiquette is about solidarity, not competition.
Should I give a Ted Talk about rants? Possibly.
Side note: I used to have a misery competitor friend back in the day, and it got so frustrating that I ended up googling ways to respond to his mega bitchy attitude, and what worked for me was one-upping his one-upmanship.
That sounded too complicated, let me explain.
When he complained about something for the umpteenth time, I one-upped him by saying: “Oh my god…that sounds absolutely awful! I can’t imagine having to live like this, how do you find the energy to get up every morning?” (this sounds sarcastic but I’d actually make it sound genuine)
This would therefore help him put things into perspective and he would respond by telling me: “Oh, it’s actually not that bad” and then he would shut the fuck up – mission accomplished!
Good, clean solution. No feelings hurt in the process. Sometimes, I am frightened by how smart I am.
Image: Knowyourmeme.com
#6 The photo spammer
Stop posting all those goddamn travel pictures on Instagram! Every scroll reveals a selfie on a beautiful landscape/beach, most commonly accompanied by a date as a caption.
“03.08.2018”
“Summer ’16”
Or worse…cringe-inducing phrases like “take me back” or “those were the days.”
Not to sound harsh, but no one cares. If you want to post pretty pictures of yourself, go for it, but acknowledge that you are in need of likes (aka a dopamine boost) to keep you going. I’ll be the first to tell you that you look beautiful, but don’t hide behind your little cryptic dates and “wanderlusty” captions. You should have your phone confiscated.
This rant has made me sleepy, as all good rants do.
Goodnight, friends.
