Story Time Part 2: Cringe Edition
Hello again, fellow quarantined people!
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been using this time to reflect and generally improve myself as a person. So far, my isolation activities have included cooking, exercising, and journaling.
Image: Tenor.com
I am obviously lying.
You know what goes great with isolation? Overthinking, that’s what! It’s the perfect combo, like bread and butter or cologne and a paper cut.
I like to set aside some time each day to reminisce over some of the idiotic things I’ve done, which is actually a good thing because it gives me something to write about and (hopefully) something that’ll make you feel slightly less self-conscious about the idiotic things you’ve done. We’ve all done idiotic things, but I like to believe that I am on the superior end of the spectrum.
So, dear reader, I give you part 2 of the Story Time Series: Cringe Edition. If this blog post were to have a theme song, I’d choose this gem.
Go on, give it a listen before we start; I’m not going anywhere. Also, how cute are the dresses in that video? Vella Lovell (in the middle) is a goddess.
Image: Giphy.com
Incidentally, this ^ will be the expression on your face throughout this blog post, I guarantee it.
Alright, let’s get this cringe fest started!
Story #1: The Idiot That Went on Tinder
Let’s start off with an easy one.
Around five or six years ago, I decided to try using Tinder. It was relatively new in Egypt at the time and hadn’t yet acquired a reputation for being the hookup app.
I wasn’t sure if I was ready to start dating again, but I felt like it would be an interesting experience in general, so why the hell not?
When I created my profile, I spent a lot of time thinking about what picture to use; I wanted an innocent picture that showed off my silly side because I didn’t want to attract any major pervs or weirdos. After searching through my photos, I chose this:
It was perfect; it wasn’t silly enough to appear childish, and it wasn’t suggestive or intimidating. I figured it would attract like-minded people who weren’t taking themselves too seriously.
A few weeks later, I matched with an American guy, and he sends me this message: “Marge! What did you do to your hair?”
Fucking awesome conversation starter. Get this man laid, he has earned it! He could teach a class!
Except…I’d forgotten about my picture and didn’t understand that this was a joke, and my response was: “Oh I’m sorry, my name isn’t Marge, I think you’ve got the wrong profile.”
Image: Pinterest.com
Of course he didn’t respond because he was probably wondering what kind of idiot poses next to a Homer Simpson mockup and posts it on Tinder without expecting at least one Simpsons-themed pickup line.
It is I. I am that kind of idiot.
I got the joke around a week later. I’m that slow.
I was at home, probably eating cereal or something, and I went: “Ahhhhh!”
I texted him, apologizing profusely for ruining his line and telling him it was actually pretty funny, but the guy (understandably) never replied.
Honestly, it was for the best. I probably would have judged him if he had.
Sometimes when I lie awake at night I wonder what would have happened if I’d understood the joke on the spot. Would we have been married by now? Would I have gotten a green card? Would we be vacationing in Greece?
I like to believe that he remembers me and uses me as a reference for how stupid a person can be.
[FIN]
Story #2: The Train Wreck Disguised as a Phone Call
Around the same time last year, I was driving to Heliopolis and decided to call a friend of mine. Let’s call him Sam for the sake of simplicity.
Before we proceed, however, I need to offer some background information.
For starters, Sam is Christian – which is relevant to the story because that particular day was a national holiday for Christians. Also, Sam’s mother had been sick for a while.
I am aware that retelling this story is in itself an idiotic thing that I may regret later, but we’ll see; this kind of thing keeps life interesting.
Okay, now that you’re all caught up, let’s continue.
The reason why I called Sam was to check on how he and his mom were doing, and also to throw in a nice kol sana wenta tayeb! since it was a Christian holiday. In short, I was trying to be a good friend since I hadn’t talked to him in a few weeks.
As soon as he picked up, I went into full ‘bubbly’ mode, beginning with an overly enthusiastic “Hey maaaan! What’s uuuup?”
Image: Giphy.com
After the initial bromantic pleasantries, I hit him with the kol sana wenta tayeb! whilst feeling very pleased with myself for being *such* an awesome and considerate friend. God’s gift to humanity, as some would say.
Sam went silent. “Umm, for what?” he asked, clearly confused.
As you can probably tell, this is when things started going south.
“Uh, well it’s a Christian holiday today!” I said, completely unaware that in a few seconds I would want the ground to open and swallow me whole.
“Mona, do you know why it’s a holiday?” he asked.
“Umm, no – but, like, I assume it’s something worth celebrating, right?” I replied with a nervous laugh.
Friends, take it from me: if you’re going to call someone from a different religion to congratulate them on a particular holiday, take FIVE MINUTES to do some research beforehand to find out what the holiday represents.
As it turns out, this particular holiday was not a cause for celebration AT ALL. It was part of the Holy Triduum, which is essentially a period of grief over the crucifixion of Christ.
The good news here is that neither Sam nor I were particularly religious or sensitive about our beliefs, so he knew that an offensive and utterly idiotic move like this was clearly a mistake and completely unintentional.
The bad news is that I panicked.
Feeling my face get unnaturally hot, I spat out the words “Oh my god, I’m so sorry” around a dozen times with a thousand different thoughts racing through my head on how to clean up this lovely mess I’d made for myself.
For some reason, my best attempt to show Sam that I wasn’t some ignorant fuck was to begin Monasplaining™ his own religion to him. The way an ignorant fuck would.
“But, like, Jesus came back to life three days later right? So I can call you in three days and we can celebrate? Yeah? Yeah? Oh my god I’m so sorry I’ll totally make it up to you man, we’ll CELEBRATE!”
Image: Giphy.com
Sam found all this hilarious, and who can blame him?
He told me to calm down; it was an honest mistake and it’s all good.
Phew!
Okay, now all that was left to do was to finish this call with no additional damage, that was literally my only job…
“Alright man, I’ll see you soon. By the way, how’s your mom?”
“Umm…actually, my mom passed away last week.”
Fuck. Fuckity fuckity fuck. Fucking fuck.
I had one fucking job.
Image: Giphy.com
THIS IS WHY I PREFER TEXTING.
In my defense, I had no idea! Nobody said a thing on social media, and the few friends we had in common who knew about it just didn’t bother to spread the word.
On the bright side, my call was so moronic and unexpectedly stupid that it actually gave Sam a pretty good laugh during a very difficult time, so there’s that I guess.
[FIN]
This was quite a ride, eh? I bet you feel better about yourself now.
I’m fairly confident that I have stories that are worse than these, but they’re hidden beneath some pandemic anxiety at the moment. Not to worry though, they’re bound to resurface eventually.
Dear reader, next time you do a stupid thing, please remember that it cannot possibly be as bad as mansplaining a person’s religion to them on the same week their mom died.
Until next time, lovely people!
