Four Idiotic Things to Expect Every Ramadan (Extreme Edition)
As an aspiring writer, I have always wanted to have a writing “process” -as in a deep, meaningful description of how I get myself to write. Maybe I practice yoga to get myself centered, or maybe I drink a warm cup of chamomile tea in the balcony.
But the truth is, I am not some girl in a sanitary pad commercial. In fact, I only write when I am either extremely upset or extremely angry. Apparently it’s just that simple.
And since it’s that time of the year again where the entire Egyptian community is suffering from nicotine and caffeine withdrawal, I am -of course- in ranting mode. I am in extreme ranting mode.
Because I am in extreme ranting mode, this shall be an extreme ranting edition. Extreme Ramadan Ranting Edition, if I may.
I won’t lie to you -but every year I dread this month because of the stupidity I know we will all witness. And every year I get closer to committing murder during this holy month.
It is said that during Ramadan all the devils are chained, so we have one thing to conclude here -this month we get to see Egyptians in their purest form, which unfortunately is aggressive, selfish and utterly idiotic.
Now, before you rush to the comments section and list all your charity work to me, allow me to explain the four idiotic things we all see during Ramadan, and why the most halal thing we can do right now is take a machine gun and just rid the world of this overwhelmingly stupid community.
1. Extreme Driving
Egyptians drive horribly. All the time.
But any horrendous driving skills you’ve seen are child’s play compared to how Egyptians drive during Ramadan. During the first week alone, I saw around 5 road accidents -and that’s just on the ring road.
If you’d like a practical display of this, just decide to drive from 5 – 7 pm and see if you believe me.
People want to go home to sleep until it’s time for them to excessively indulge in what they miss, be it food, cigarettes, water or coffee. But this is no excuse to drive like an asshole. The mere fact that you are fasting means you need to try and better yourself as a person -and risking the lives of other drivers and pedestrians just because you can’t wait to have mahshi kinda holds you back from this purpose.
In my opinion, the root of this kind of driving is selfishness. People who drive this way believe they are entitled to get home earlier because they must be more tired and hungry than anyone else on the planet. Because they think they’re special.
Spoiler alert: they are not special, they are scum and need to be viciously murdered.
Moral of the story: try to avoid driving from 5 – 7 pm, or if you must, avoid as much contact as possible with other drivers. Also, keep a gun in your glove compartment (you’ll thank me later).
2. Extreme Judgement
Say what you want about Egyptians, but they sure know what their priorities are.
We have absolutely no problem with murder, theft, harassment, rape or even marching women naked in the streets, but we draw a line at eating before iftar. The latter is way more important to us than anything else.
Apparently it is now illegal to eat in the streets before iftar, according to some idiotic article I unfortunately came across the first day of Ramadan. Police now choose to arrest people just for eating or smoking before maghreb time.
Do you know why some people don’t fast? It’s none of your fucking business.
Forget that a large chunk of the community includes Christians, menstruating women, pregnant women, sick or diabetic individuals or people who just don’t want to fast. Forget about all that, because Egypt is the place where logic and common sense come to die.
If you direct the police force to a person having coffee during Ramadan, they will actually get off their asses to bully, judge and arrest them. But if you direct them at a woman being raped, they will just shrug it off and keep sitting on their asses like the useless beings they are.
But i don’t just blame the police. I blame every person who gives you a judgemental look when they see you eating while they’re fasting. I hate these judgemental people so much, that I say you ask them what their favorite food is and eat it in its entirety in front of them so they can learn to mind their own fucking business.
Moral of the story: carry a cup of coffee, a pizza, a burger, a cold soda can and a cigarette at all times during this month, so when you see someone acting like a judgemental asshole, you can consume all of these luxuries in front of them so we can starve them all out and they can finally die.
3. Extreme Obsession
“Oh my God, this TV advertisement cost so much/is offensive to me/is not to my liking!”
No one cares.
Stop obsessing over anything and everything that pops up on your TV. Maybe pick up a book for once in your life.
I am not trying to tell you not to embrace freedom of speech, but I am trying to tell you that we will always have sexist ads, we will always have ads that promote shitty things and we will always have ads that cost way too much to make.
We will always have those things because we are in Egypt and we are Egyptians and the entire country is based on fucked up shit like this.
So you either accept it and watch it without bitching like a little bitch, or you start bettering yourself as a person to try and make the country better, or you just pick up a fucking book.
Moral of the story: stop watching TV! I can proudly say I never turn on the TV and just resort to Netflix and my laptop, which is awesome because I have enough shit to be pissed about. Also, no commercial breaks!
And no, I do not care how great you think the Ramadan series you’re watching is. It’s probably stupid. As is your face.
4. Extreme Gluttony
We can debate for hours what the purpose of fasting is or how we think it should be done. But one thing I do know is that staying all day without food and then deciding to stuff your face with enough food to feed a small village is not right. It is not right in terms of the religious concept of fasting and it is definitely not right for your body.
So maybe next time you decide to bitch about how you manage to gain weight instead of losing it every Ramadan, maybe cut yourself off at the twentieth piece of basboosa. Just saying.
Moral of the story: This is actually the best time to practice moderation. Eat until you’re satisfied, not until your belly is about to burst.
In conclusion, if you find yourself acting upon your undying urge to kill everyone in sight this Ramadan, go for it. I don’t blame you. In fact, give me a call, I’d love to help.