The Egyptian Facebook Rant
Like my last few posts, let me begin by apologizing for my disappearance. Apparently one cannot successfully juggle a full time job, freelance work, a social life and sleep successfully -unless one is a wizard. And I am no wizard. But if I were one, I’d totally use my powers to speed through traffic.
My unrealistic ambitions aside, I have to admit I’ve been suffering from some writer’s block. Every idea I have seems incomplete, and I spent days trying to be a writer (aka observant and witty), but nothing seemed to stand out.
Nothing stood out, until I realized the answer had been in front of me all along. In fact, it was so obvious that I had to check if I had already written about it before. To my knowledge, I had not.
Facebook. No, scratch that, Egyptian Facebook. Also known as “El Face”.
I used to be an avid Facebook user, until I deactivated my account for around 6 months, or perhaps it was a year. In all cases, they were the best few months of my adult life.
But then, my last job required some social media interaction, so I had reluctantly reactivated it. And even though now I have the urge to escape again, I admit it can be an entertaining way to pass time, or something to read in the bathroom.
Egyptian Facebook has become so painfully repetitive that I think I can predict most of what is on your homepage right now, provided you have a decent number of Egyptians on your friends list. So without further delay, let’s look at the top 5 posts you can find on your timeline right now.
Let me say this now and only now: if you are easily offended, just stop reading this right now. Seriously. It just means most of these will apply to you. Go watch a cat video on YouTube. I won’t take it personally, I promise. I love cats.
No? Still wanna read on? Okay, go ahead.
It’s like your entire friends list has reached some sort of spiritual enlightenment. Every time you scroll, I guarantee you’ll find a picture with a pretty font saying something, anything that seems motivational.
I don’t mind, but I do mind how you use motivational quotes for your own personal agenda. If you just suffered from a breakup, I’m definitely expecting something about how people will regret losing you, or how all hearts eventually heal. If you’re a gym buff, I guarantee phrases like “no pain, no gain”, or “abs are not made in the gym, they’re made in the kitchen” or the classic “I’m closer than where I was yesterday”.
Good for you. Really. If only you weren’t such a superficial douchebag.
This might be why I will decide to deactivate soon. It’s honestly way too depressing to have to find out about kidnapped kids, street gangs, robberies and everything that is wrong with the world on Facebook.
But you know what’s really sad?
You have better chances of finding your kidnapped child via a Facebook post than via asking for help from the police. So, you know what? I totally get why you would choose social media. Good samaritans are more effective than our selective law enforcement officials are.
If you aren’t familiar with yelp.com, it’s a tool for Americans to review almost any establishment online. So if you find a bug in your pizza, you can just log on to yelp.com and tell others so they don’t have to find an unpleasant surprise in their food the way you did.
Even though we have an ambitious equivalent (elmenus.com), not a lot of people use it, and it’s only meant for food. For anything else, your best bet is social media.
While I am totally supportive of your bitching over bad service -because, yes, I have also taken to doing the same online- it pisses me off when you decide to bitch over anything and everything. When your complaints start involving how you encountered a rude waiter or got a late delivery, my response to that is: who gives a shit? We have all interacted with rude waiters and waited for hours over a late delivery. We live in Egypt, so people ARE going to be rude even when their job dictates they shouldn’t be, and if you are always late for your appointments, why shouldn’t your food be? After all, it goes through traffic too. It doesn’t fly over to your doorstep (that would be super cool if it did though)
This is a tricky one. Remember when it was 2007 and you kept liking all these random pages just for the fun of it? It was a nice way of showing your crush that you also like to push the little plastic buttons on the soda cup (just like them!), or that you like a page about people having a weird name. (because they do too!) It was your way of showing your Facebook buddies little hints about yourself.
The problem here is that these pages still exist. And because you are too lazy to go and unlike a million pages and suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome, then you just leave them there.
The result? Spam. Tons of spam.
“He cut off a leaf from a tree and grabbed the superglue. What he did next SHOCKED us!”
“Five ways to get your boyfriend to commit to you! Number 5 will AMAZE you!”
“This vitamin burns fat and gives you superpowers!”
“Watch these gay guys touch a vagina for the first time!”
I am honestly too lazy to unlike all those pages, so I just open these links and look at them because why the fuck not? It’s not like I have to work or be a productive human being. Also, some of these pages are really weird. I’ve even taken some screenshots below, so you can mock me for a change:
Ah, the wonders of social media. Not only do stores and corporations haunt you with their billboards and YouTube ads, but now they can pop up on your timeline too. Sometimes you can actually encounter something cool, but in my case it is almost always a sexist article from Identity magazine.
“How to get your boyfriend not to look at other girls!”
“How to keep him interested!”
All these articles offer pretty much the same bullshit advice: cook for him, look thin all the time, make him laugh, wear dresses -basically, just turn into a housewife from the 50’s.
Fuck you, Identity Magazine. Fuck you up your sexist ass. I hope your writers’ dresses catch on fire while they’re cooking crappy meals for their boyfriends on the stove.
Here’s what I don’t get: why does every single person in Egypt (or anywhere) think their opinion matters so much? Now, before you rush to the comments section and tell me I’m being hypocritical (because, hello, I am expressing my opinion right this second), remember this, I am on MY BLOG. MY FUCKING BLOG. It’s mine. Yes, I am a possessive blog owner. Yes. But it’s my fucking blog. I can do whatever I want here. Seriously. I can post cat pics and dolphin penises if I want to. Because it’s mine.
I think I’ve gotten my point across.
But when someone spams my timeline with how they feel and their own theories, more often than not I will just unfollow them. And yes, I know, it’s their Facebook account to do with as they please, but it’s my timeline. You undertook a responsibility when you gathered up 3,000 acquaintances and decided to make them Facebook friends. You can express yourself on occasion, but when you overdo it people are just turned off by the sight of you, trust me.
Selfies & Photos
I have always had issues with people who are too in love with their own face. If you want to take an occasional selfie, go for it. Wedding pictures? Sure. But when you post a selfie every single day on Instagram and decide to post it on Facebook as well, it gets depressing. Why do you need so many selfies? Don’t you own a mirror?
Same goes for those who change their profile picture every five seconds. You’re arrogant. And ugly.
This is pretty similar to the concept of abusing selfies and pictures. Instead, here you can expect way more gym photos -because every single girl/guy going to the gym is somehow miraculously NOT sweating when they take a gym selfie. You know why? Because they were taking a selfie. Selfie does not equal working out. Really.
Other posts falling under this category include announcing your most recent car accident, talking about how lonely you are or how annoyed you are or basically just announcing any emotions to 1,000 people you barely know online. Next time, just call a goddamn friend. I’m not even kidding here; a study has stated that most of your Facebook friends do NOT care about you. And that’s okay, because you don’t care about them either. So just call a friend next time, okay? Send me a Facebook message -anything that does not make you look like a depressing, self-centered person.
I guess you can see how this post gradually escalated towards a deep, bitter pit of darkness and cynicism. You might wonder, “why don’t you just deactivate the fucking thing and shut up?” (although you really should not care; I’m honestly not expecting you to)
But if you were wondering, my response to you would be that it’s just a guilty pleasure of mine. I enjoy making fun of people, seriously. And it doesn’t make me a bad person, because we all do it. Also, it provides me with material at times like this when I have writer’s block.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, thank you for being a complete idiot on Facebook. I will acknowledge your contribution when I one day make money out of blogging.