How to Become a Fashionista
Are you jealous of all the girls starting the fashionista trend in Egypt? Do you want to be admired for your amazing fashion sense and color combinations? Are you posting a ridiculously large amount of pictures of yourself a day and waiting until you hit a million followers?
Well, you’ve come to the right place. With our easy how-to guide, you too can become a fashionista that girls hate and guys inappropriately check out! Who knows? Maybe one day you can be as popular and as productive as Kim Kardashian.
So, what is a fashionista anyway?
Fashionista (noun): a girl who dresses up for a living and teams up with an aspiring photographer to become famous on social media and get free stuff from couture stores and fashion labels so she can consequently dress up for more pictures.
How can I become one?
I’m glad you asked. Just follow our simple guidelines below and wait for the followers to come to you!
Your main outlet is instagram. Facebook is so over, and twitter is for people who want to be brainy or funny. You, however, are a princess and people just cannot get enough of your face.
Hashtags are very important. In fact, when they’re abbreviated, people think you’re a pro and you definitely know your shit. So don’t forget to use #OOTD (outfit of the day) and #TBT (throw back Thursday).
This is the short description of yourself you post on instagram. This is how you hook your followers. Now, don’t EVER actually write that you’re an aspiring fashionista. You want to mislead your followers into thinking that you’re a deep and thoughtful human being who enjoys everything that is trendy and is unusually artistic. You just happen to have a lot of friends who love taking pictures of you.
In your bio, you can either insert a meaningful quote or tell them something irrelevant about yourself, like how you love the sea and wish you were a mermaid. Don’t forget to add your snapchat name! Snapchat is so in right now, and it’s a great excuse to take too many pictures of that beautiful, overly made up face.
Find a photographer who’s looking for recognition. Any one of your friends with a professional camera will do. Make sure you tag them in all your pictures and insert a heart next to them so people understand that they are credible. (ex. Photo taken by the incredible Lollita Samy <3).
Your pictures don’t always have to be of yourself, even though you love hearing people gushing over how beautiful you and your clothes are. Try also taking pictures of your cat, your morning coffee and your trip to the hairdresser.
Put bizarre clothing combinations together. They don’t even have to match. In fact, the less they match, the more people will appreciate your eccentricity and sense of style.
I don’t really want to say this, but I have to. If you want to gain a massive male audience, just wear as little clothing items as humanely possible. Guys will come to you -not because of your fashion sense- but they’ll come. Bikinis are a big seller.
Of course, the clothes you wear are most probably things the average Egyptian girl cannot wear in the street because she’d probably get raped on the spot. But don’t worry, you’re not about being practical, you’re about being unique and special.
I don’t know why this is a must, but you MUST change your hair color at least every two months. Afraid this might damage your hair? Who cares? That’s why God created hair extensions!
Write completely irrelevant and seemingly meaningful quotes and phrases underneath each picture. This makes people think that you’re more than just a pretty face and gives them the impression that you’ve got both beauty AND brains. (ex. post a picture of yourself in a dress and write an overused Marilyn Monroe quote about self acceptance as a caption).
Tell people where you got the clothes from. The average girl will of course not understand that your white shirt is from Zara, or that your cute boyfriend jeans are from H&M. We average females do not leave our cages very often, except to get food and cigarettes. Maybe the store will see your picture and give you free stuff! Yay!
Become friends with a social media influencer. A social media influencer is the male equivalent of a fashionista. They have a tons of followers and get to make money by advertising things on their pages. If people see the two of you talking enough on social media, they’ll start to follow you too. Don’t forget to add hearts and shy monkey emoticons after each sentence!
Emoticons are important. Wait, sorry, they call them “emojis” now. If you’re with your cat, post a cat emoji. If you’re at the beach, post a wave emoji. If you’re in the bathroom, post the smiling poop emoji. The shy monkey emoji can be used any time because people get the impression that you’re modest and shy. It makes you more relatable to us average folk.
Go to the gym, but you don’t have to work out. Just take plenty of selfies so people know you made an appearance. Don’t forget to have a ton of makeup on so people think you look beautiful even when you’re on a treadmill and doing squats. Don’t forget to post a quote about feminism, well being or power.
Congratulations, you’re famous now! So don’t forget to announce completely mundane things that happen in your life, like your new hair color, your new puppy or how little sleep you got last night.
You should also send out announcements for every official holiday, like Eid, Ramadan and Christmas. After all, all the big corporations send out announcements to their employees, so shouldn’t you send a similar one to your newly formed cult?
But, wait, aren’t people going to get bored from seeing my pictures all the time?
Only the ones with brains. And they’re not your target audience anyway. You want to target the 90% that have nothing better to do.
Now, start posting!
Before I go, let’s celebrate your new fashionista skills and dance!