Positioning yourself on Facebook (for dummies)
Facebook used to be something personal; you used to add close friends and post whatever you want, whenever you want and however you want to. There were no consequences.
This is my last memory of facebook, because the last time I was an active facebook user was as a fresh-grad who was jobless and blissfully happy. I then deactivated my account on and off and now I’m finally back to see what the hell has changed.
Oh dear god, how it has changed.
For starters, I wasn’t on the damn thing for two days before 30 friend requests from people at my last job miraculously appeared. Suddenly, I had to be very wary of what pictures to post, what pictures not to post, what to write and what not to write.
I ended up not posting anything.. other than a generic cover photo and profile picture.
It’s not just because I think facebook is pointless (and yes, it is the most pointless thing on the planet), but it’s because you need to have several personas online to appeal to your many, many audiences.
So here you have it; a completely unscientific study of how you should position yourself in front of your hundreds of facebook friends, you social butterfly, you.
How to position yourself on facebook (for dummies):
I am a continually ambitious person who enjoys using big words and posting thought-provoking articles about new scientific discoveries and journals so you feel like I am a thinker and that I do not just spend my nights eating donuts and that my idea of “thought-provoking” is an episode of Frasier.
Also, I will post pictures of myself working on a laptop and reading because work is my life and life is work and work is work and also please don’t fire me or please refer me to your next big work position in one of those big glass building places.
There’s a lot more to me than what you see at work. For example, did you know I could sing/play the piano/paint/do a really bad headstand/stab designer bags? I will post pictures of myself doing all these things so you can click “like” and say “wow! I didn’t know you could do that!”
Yes! I do have a life outside of work! WHO KNEW?
However, all these pictures and videos will be sneak previews so that you can forever view me as a mysterious being who never ceases to surprise you.
Look at me! I’m so fun and cool and outgoing and adventurous! Look at my selfie at work! Look at my selfie with my boyfriend! Look at this meal I had today! LOOK AT MY CAT! Have you seen the new necklace I just got?
Wait, this is not instagram?
Okay, okay, look at this funny video! Look at this cat video! I’m writing a funny status about something that happened today! DO YOU LOVE ME YET?
Distant friends and acquaintances:
I am cool, calm and collected. All my pictures feature a perfect me, smiling a perfect smile, in a perfect outfit. I bet you wish you were closer to me now.
What do you mean “where are my other photos”? I only posted one picture to facebook in my entire life. Limited profile? What? Are you crazy? No, no, I just don’t take a lot of pictures so I don’t cause fitna with my astounding beauty.
People from school/college:
I PASSED MY AWKWARD PHASE AND NOW I AM SOMEWHAT ATTRACTIVE PLEASE NOTICE THANKS BYE.
I’ve been perfect since we have ended! See? My hair is so long and luscious and my makeup is perfect and I have lost so much weight! Look at all the people who love me!
Do you regret being a jerk yet? What about now?
People you barely know:
I’m awesome but I am afraid if I share my statuses/posts/pictures/name/anything I will ruin this very crucial first impression so my profile is empty of literally anything. I am going to be SUPER CAREFUL.
I love food and good TV and I AM NOT ASHAMED…unless someone is watching. Also, I love using curse words and profanity! Fuck, shit, asshole! Look at me saying bad words!