Part Two: 10 more internet things Egyptians need to stop doing
After my blog post about annoying internet habits, I came to the happy realization that I was not the only one bothered by other people’s actions on the internet. Needless to say, I was happy! It’s always nice to know you aren’t alone.
I got a lot of insightful comments and suggestions here and on facebook, so I decided I shouldn’t let them go to waste. So, without further ado, the following are a compilation of annoying internet habits that you, my lovely readers, have come up with -along with some more of my own grievances.
1. Instagram hashtags (Courtesy of Ahmed M. Eltawil)
Here’s the scenario: a picture of a slice of cheesecake.
Normal hashtags: #cheesecake #comfortfood #delicious #socreamy
Hashtags that make me doubt your IQ level: #cheese #cake #dessert #love #tasty #delicious #creamcheese #blueberry #tea #work #tired #stressed #Ideservethis #thedietstartstomorrow #Iamgonnabesofat #whyamIdoingthis #nervousbreakdown #lol
No. Just, no.
2. BBM Pins (Courtesy of Ahmed Salama)
I was so happy when the BBM craze was over. Even though I was a part of it (not proud of that), I was still exhausted with everyone posting their BBM pins again and again and again on Facebook. If you posted it three times and that special someone still didn’t add you, then they probably won’t, so just give up and shut up!
Now that BBM is available as an app, I occasionally see BBM pins again on my timeline. Admittedly, people aren’t going insane like they were a few years ago, but you never know what to predict from Egyptians. So I urge you: please unfriend me if you intend to post it a million times. My timeline is already filled to the brim with useless shit.
3. Copying and pasting tweets (Courtesy of Shehab)
I said it before and I’ll say it again: Egyptians do not comprehend the concept of plagiarism. It’s sad. I don’t know why a person in their right mind would want to steal someone’s tweet and post it as their own.
The retweet option is there for a reason. Use it.
This is not just applicable to twitter; a lot of people choose to steal other people’s work, most of the time not even realizing how wrong it is.
My guess is that Egyptians just take the whole “I wish I could have thought of that!” concept a little too far.
PS. To the person in the above picture: I know you’re not Egyptian, but deep down, I think you are. COME HOME.
4. Couples’ photoshopped pictures (Courtesy of Karim Adel)
No, random Egyptian guy, posting a badly photoshopped picture of yourself as a rose and claiming that it was all for your beloved will not make her love you.
PS. Sara, if you encouraged this, there is a special place in hell for you.
5. Blindly following trends
Open any Egyptian’s facebook page and you are guaranteed to find a pattern in all the posts on their timeline. Here’s the thing about Egyptians; they never like feeling left out. So if three people post about something, you can bet your ass it will spread like an epidemic in minutes.
A few years back, a satirical newspaper (I think it was The Onion) posted a satirical news piece about facebook forcing people to pay in order to keep their accounts. One idiot saw the story, decided it was true, posted it, and then a million other idiots started sharing it and talking about boycotting facebook.
Very few people bothered to read the entire story, or even just the newspaper description.
Think about any rumour you heard. It was most probably started by an Egyptian. And unfortunately, they aren’t that intelligent. Ever heard the Muslim Brotherhood dude who said that there were rumours that Bashar Al-Assad was dead AND that he fled the country?
Khalas, let’s not discuss rumours if you’re going to get all sensitive. Think of anything that flooded your timeline in an exaggerated fashion. Let me give you some ideas:
a) Soccer matches (especially ones involving El-Ahly Club)
b) Cairo’s recent cold weather and snow
And most importantly..
6. Acting too mushy
I don’t mind expressing love via social media; heck, I do it sometimes. It can be sweet in small doses. However, when it becomes a daily occurrence, it becomes super annoying.
“U r the love of ma lyf I can’t imagine ma lyf without uuuuuuu <3”
“Habeebi we are meant to beeee bgd so happy i found you ❤ xxxx”
It doesn’t just happen with couples; it happens with “besties” too.
“OMG Looli ilysm ❤ ❤ <3”
“Dodo ily so much moooore bgaaaaad rabbena yekhaleeki leyya ya baby mwah mwah”
No. Get a room. And an English teacher.
7. Confusing “fans” with “lovers”
I’m not making fun of imperfect English, really. It’s just that when a bunch of fans decide to create a group and (for example) call it “Amr Diab Lovers” instead of “Amr Diab Fans”, it gives me the wrong impression. It sort of reminds me of old movies that featured kings and their entourage, so to speak.
The term “lovers” makes me visualize Amr Diab lying down on a hammock with all the group members surrounding him in provocative clothes. Some are feeding him grapes, while others are holding a giant leaf and fanning him. Some are giving him foot massages. It makes me feel like the members are slaves rather than fans. It’s disturbing.
Yes, it’s probably just me. But now that image is going to haunt you too.
8. Abusing joke formats
Similar to people who abuse the Yao Ming meme, people who abuse joke formats are annoying. Using jokes formats is fine, but in moderate and reasonable amounts.
But if every single thing you post contains:
“One does not simply…”
“You know you’re Egyptian when….”
“That moment when….you feel like….”
How about getting more creative so that people feel like they are actually reading something new for a change?
Or if you want, we could say stuff like..
One does not simply abuse joke formats.
You know you’re Egyptian when you abuse joke formats.
That moment when you abuse a joke format, you feel like you have zero creativity.
See? NOT FUNNY!
9. Subtweeting (and whatever its facebook counterpart is called)
In case you are not familiar with the term “subtweet”, this is when someone writes something aimed at another person without actually mentioning the other person. In Egyptian terms, this is referred to as “تلقيح كلام”.
Although the term “subtweet” is a twitter reference, this is done on facebook as well.
“You betrayed me, now my heart is broken. I can never trust you ever again.”
“I wish I could tell you how much I love you. You give me butterflies.”
“I can’t believe you did that! This is unacceptable!”
You know, if you just told the other person directly, you would:
a) Save yourself a lot of anger/bitterness/resentment
b) Maintain a little bit of your privacy so that people don’t have to know every single thing about you
c) Save yourself the effort of having to tell everyone who asks that you weren’t referring to them
Or if you insist on posting, just add the person’s name and get it over with.
“You betrayed me, Ahmed, now my heart is broken. I can never trust you ever again.”
“I wish I could tell you how much I love you, Sherif. You give me butterflies.”
“I can’t believe you did that, Nada! This is unacceptable!”
10. Not understanding spoiler alerts
We get it. You watched the latest How I Met Your Mother episode and you know everything. Now, shut up. Some of us haven’t seen it yet!
I know a poor guy who had an entire season ruined before watching it because some idiot (who just happened to be Egyptian) decided to type it on social media where no one will see.
Don’t ruin shows for other people. Don’t be a dick.
And if you are just dying to post something, write the term “SPOILER ALERT” first, in big, nice capital letters. That’s good internet etiquette.
Now, before you rush to the comment section..
Q. “Oh my God Mona you are so mean!”
A. I don’t care.
Q. “3ALAFEKRA ALL PEOPLE DO THIS NOT JUST EGYPTIANS, BITCH!”
A. Yep, I know. But I chose to just discuss Egyptians. Sue me.
Q. “Begad I hate you! Stop writing forever!”
A. Did I force you to read this? No.
Q. “This is so rude!”
A. Nope, it really isn’t. You just don’t have a sense of humor.
Bet I saved a lot of angry people a lot of typing time.