How to invade someone’s privacy the Egyptian way
If there was some sort of competition for which person could best invade another person’s privacy, I’m positive an Egyptian would win first prize.
Egyptians are absolute masters at privacy invasion. What’s impressive is that they were not taught how to do this; it’s something they were born with. We are bombarded with those privacy invaders everywhere in Cairo.
Have you ever been jealous of their privacy invasion powers?
Yeah, me neither.
But I’ll teach you how to be like them anyway -in case you ever want to annoy someone to the point of suicide.
If you think invading someone’s privacy is an easy task, you are very wrong. This skill requires commitment and bluntness. It cannot be acquired overnight. These are some tips you can use to work on your privacy invading skills.
1. Eavesdrop on conversations
This is the most common form of privacy invasion. It doesn’t matter where you do it; it can be done at work, in a microbus, while waiting in line…etc. It can basically be done in any place where there are other people around.
You don’t even have to be subtle about it. In fact, the beauty of it is that you eavesdrop whilst looking at the person talking. That way, they can understand that you’re listening and they can talk louder or even include you in the conversation.
While I was in Dubai visiting a friend, we were swimming in the sea and talking about a problem that was going on. I noticed a guy that kept swimming near us and looking at us, but I assumed that I was just imagining things. A few minutes later, he swam up to us and told us he might have a solution to our problem. Turns out he was Egyptian. Surprise surprise!
2. Go through mobile phones
Not your mobile phone, obviously. I’m talking about mobile phones belonging to anyone but yourself. They can either belong to friends, family, work colleagues or even distant acquaintances.
There are several strategies related to invasion of privacy through mobile phones. Feel free to pick one or mix and match those that appeal to you.
a) When someone’s phone rings, crane your neck and look closely to see who is calling them. For added effect, you can pick up the phone and answer the call yourself, even if you don’t know the person. What better way to make new friends?
b) If someone shows you a picture on their phone while they’re holding it, take the phone in your own hands for a closer look. Then browse through the rest of the pictures. If you come across a video, play it! Those videos are meant to be watched! Why else would they have recorded it?
I was once driving a girl home and showed her a picture on my phone. She then decided to grab my phone and browse through the rest of the pictures. She also played all the videos she came across. Occasionally, she would point at someone in a picture and ask who that person was. When I managed to make a random excuse to grab my phone, I put it next to my leg so she would stop. She then grabbed the phone again and continued. So committed. So dedicated. I love her.
c) If someone you’re sitting with gets up to go to the bathroom, pick up their phone and browse through emails, messages, pictures, games and everything else your fingers click on. This is also useful if the person is your significant other and you want to make sure they aren’t cheating on you. It’s completely justified; you can never be too careful. Trust? Pleaaaaaase! Trust is for losers.
3. Look while they type their password
Here’s how this works: you’re basically sitting on top of your friend while they are using their laptop. They attempt to log on to their facebook account or email. While they’re typing their password, your job is to keep your eyes focused on the keyboard.
Here’s why this works: they will probably be too shy and polite to tell you to fuck off. It is your duty to abuse their politeness.
If you want to take this to the next level, look at them with a big smile on your face and tell them how many letters you managed to catch them typing. They will be super impressed, trust me.
If you find yourself in a situation where none of the above options are available, you can always resort to good, old-fashioned staring. This is extremely easy; just keep staring at a person endlessly. Look at what they’re wearing, their facial features and anything they happen to have with them.
If they start staring at you and seem mad, this just means that they want you to keep staring! Keep up the good work!
5. Abuse your password privileges
There will come a time when someone will have to give you their password. They may need you to send an urgent email for them or reply to a facebook post. Being the awesome friend that you are, you will do whatever they ask you to do.
But you won’t stop there. You should never stop there.
You have the green card now. Go through facebook messages, emails and private pictures. Try the same password for their other accounts, you might strike gold. The internet is loaded with people’s secrets and dark pasts.
6. Look through their things
Looking through someone’s possessions is like looking into their soul. If someone’s bag is within your reach, grab it and look through it. If you’re at someone’s house, open their drawers and closets.
Ya salam if you come across some old letters or diaries. Yummy! They will give you a lot of material you can work with if you want to blackmail them or gossip about them later on.
A girl who used to be my best friend once opened my drawers and found something I’d written when I was sixteen. She opened it and read through it, laughing giddily. Of course we remain best friends to this very day, because I admired how she wanted to get closer to me by looking through my private things. She’s a sweetheart.