5 survival skills every Egyptian needs
Let’s face it. Egypt isn’t the easiest place to live. In fact, Reuters recently announced that Egypt was the worst place for women to live in the entire Arab region. It’s not a picnic for men either, but it’s basically a daily agonizing struggle for women -at least that’s the case for me.
That being said, it’s necessary for Egyptians (or anyone living in Egypt for that matter) to acquire a set of survival skills to be able to function. If you don’t at least make an effort to acquire those skills, you’re screwed -think of it as a “survival of the fittest” sort of thing.
Skill #1: Driving like a maniac
Grand theft auto? Pleaaaaaase!
Driving in the streets of Cairo is something that can easily and legitimately be an olympic sport. You have to learn to squeeze your car between other cars (other random objects), you have to learn to avoid insane drivers at the last second on the ring road and you have to do it all quickly so that you can get to your workplace/university/house on time and alive.
I know, not stressful at all.
Basically, you can consider driving in Cairo’s streets one giant, never-ending test of your driving skills -and your sanity.
Skill #2: Handling pushy grandmothers
If you succumb to each plateful of molokheya your grandmother (or any Egyptian female over the age of 40) force-feeds you, you’re going to turn into a green elephant. And if you say no to her big, bright eyes, you’ll break her heart.
A beginner might think it’s a no-win situation, but not a proper Egyptian!
There are several tricks you can use to make sure you stay a normal-sized human being without hurting your grandmother’s feelings.
a) Put food on your plate in really small servings so that you can come back several times and make it seem like you ate a lot. Is your grandmother the one serving the food? Have no fear, let’s move on to the next point to figure out how to handle that.
b) If your grandmother is the one serving the food, fill your plate with salad so that she doesn’t have a lot of space to put her huge spoonful of food. She will have to compromise and only put part of it, while you give her a big smile and claim to come back for seconds. You sly genius, you.
c) If you want to be extra careful, take FOREVER to finish your plate. Move the food around the plate with your fork, eat one grain of rice at a time or chew really slowly (slow chewing can actually make you feel full faster and therefore eat less..just a quick diet tip). Every time your grandmother will look she will be under the impression that you have a full plate and that you’ve been having seconds, and then pretty soon everyone else will stop eating and you can help clear the dishes and get bonus points.
Other strategies may include:
“I’m just saving space for your famous kunafa dessert, grandma!”
“Of course I finished my food! Just because the dog is sitting next to me and chewing does not mean that I gave him the food. No..it’s just a lucky coincidence. Really.”
Or you can go with a classic from the sitcom Friends and claim that a big pigeon came while you were eating on the balcony and snatched the food off your plate. How else could it have ended on the street?
Skill #3: Becoming a chameleon
This simply means that you must adapt to your surroundings. Say you’re stuck in a fight with a microbus driver. You must talk the same way he does so that he doesn’t think you’re some sort of high class idiot who went to a private school that he could scam or beat up. Embrace your inner baltagy; we all have one.
Similarly, if you are talking to some rich girls who keep shoving English and French words into every sentence, you must then talk the same way that they do so that they don’t think that you’re uneducated. It’s sad, but some people actually do think that way. Adapt, my friend, adapt!
Skill #4: Having a “guy” for everything
Our country does not believe in running things smoothly. Anyone who has ever tried getting governmental paperwork done knows that Egyptians thrive on creating obstacles, struggles and plain stubbornness. So if you need to get anything fixed (ex. your car, your bathroom..etc) or need something done you need a “guy”. You need a car guy, a government guy, an army guy..and so many more guys. Listing all the guys you need would be an endless task.
I’m not saying you need someone to get your procedures for you; I do not believe in the “wasta” concept. As difficult as it was, I got my driver’s license the traditional way and I’m proud of it. You just need someone who will tell you exactly what to do and where to go. This is especially beneficial for foreigners and expats.
Don’t get me wrong, the process will still be slow and painful (it’s Egypt!), but at least you can avoid delays and time-wasters by going to the right places with everything you need.
Skill #5: Self control
If you’re the type of person who can get pissed super easily, learn to stop. In your everyday life you will see people cutting you off in traffic, harassing you (if you’re a girl), mistreating you and trying to scam you. You have to handle it calmly.
In all seriousness, the country is in a state of absolute chaos right now. Some people are walking around with weapons and others are just plain insane. You never know when someone might snap. Are you really willing to give up your life because of a stupid argument over the price of a taxi ride?
Knowing the personalities of some Egyptians, I know some people may criticize me for saying this and claim that I’m one of the people interfering with tourism and all that crap, but I stand by what I’m saying. People need to understand the risks of coming here, and you cannot deny that you know at least one person that’s been in a life-threatening situation the past few years.
The bottom line:
Be safe and don’t let the country kill you. Egypt may be tough, but we are tougher! And trust me, the fact that I’m a female and I’m saying this means that you can definitely overcome anything that faces you.
“Knowing the personalities of some Egyptians, I know some people may criticize me for saying this and claim that I’m one of the people interfering with tourism and all that crap, but I stand by what I’m saying.”
I would agree to some extent. And that is only because is in English. Now, although I can relate to the fact that is is way easier to write in English than Arabic for a lot of us (yeah I suck at writing in Arabic too. Pretty sad. We’re too Westernized 😦 ), I wouldn’t dedicate a blog about my country in a foreign language. It’s like you are not addressing the people of your country, but rather just highlighting their flaws in front of foreigners.
That being said, I could relate to the advises you gave like loads! I’m coming to Egypt for university soon after spending years abroad living in another Arab country, and I feel like I missed out on loads and that I am not familiar with my country like I should be.
From what I’ve seen in my last visit last summer, Egypt has transformed into a place that is rather tough to live in and that kinda scared me. I’ve always claimed to be patriotic, but when it came down to this, I was scared I would never cope with such an environment.
Man! my comment is so long, it’s a post by its own. I dunno why I find it way easier to contribute to your blog than write in mine! LOL
Your blog is yet again my only source of amusement haha
Again, you’re blog would have made a way bigger effect if it where in the language of your country- more people would relate rather than feel offended, IMO.
Yasmine, you have a right to be worried; I won’t sugarcoat it and tell you that the country is fine. But the good news is that the fact that you’re Egyptian means that you can adapt to what’s happening. The best advice I can give you is this: buy pepper spray. Carry it around with you everywhere. Don’t use it unless absolutely necessary (hopefully you will never need it) cause people freak out when they see this kind of stuff. But keeping it with you will help you feel safe. I carry one around all the time in case I get attacked.
And you’re right about the language thing. I am going to try to write both in English and in Arabic. I can write in Arabic but it’s just not as good as my English. But I think you’re right about how less people would get defensive if it were in Arabic; the English makes some people think I’m some sort of Americanized bitch who enjoys mocking third world countries. But that doesn’t deny the fact that they have attitude problems 😀
I’m really glad you came back to the blog! If you ever want advice on how to cope with coming back to Egypt tell me; I’d be more than happy to help. I know how difficult it is..
Have a great day, Yasmine! 🙂
Why thank you for the precious advice 🙂
Really, I will seriously consider that.
I’m also glad you agree with the whole Arabic thing. It would really help you reach out to more people (and become their source of amusement as well 🙂 )
I would definitely come back to your blog on and on (whenever I get an email notification really) because it is no blog that states things that I 100% agree with or the very obvious that no one would disagree with (that’s just boring)
A great day to you too.
Dear Mona..
I raise my hypothetical hat to the above post. See i have to agree its tough living in Cairo, but the experiences you get on daily basis is what makes us. Thats why i love this city. Its a mix of different aromas, that makes this strange yet sometimes awful feel. And concerning point number 5. I couldn’t agree more, self control is needed, cause we are slowly going towards calling Cairo, Gotham city but without Batman.
Yours
…………………
I agree that there is something special about this city, but I have to disagree with you because of our current circumstances. The city is dangerous now in my opinion..people are getting killed, injured, raped, harassed and bullied. Hopefully if and when this all goes away I can agree with you about Cairo being a city that I love.
Dear Mona..
Wouldn’t argue with the current political situation and lack of security. Yet, ive lived in a couple of cities. Cairo is definitely different, maybe since its associated with my vacation. But yet its extremely special in so many ways.
Yours
……………….
Yeah of course it’s special! Can’t argue with that 🙂
look at the bright side for ex. driving in the us is boring u can sleep while u r driving in egypt u get a lot of action.
i love my grandmother cooking so i don’t mind he force feeding me 😀
about ur wasta concept believe me if u join the army u will change ur mind :S
Hahaha you mean the driving is so stressful it makes you want to pull your hair out 😛
About the wasta thing, I understand how the army sucks but going for a wasta just means that you position the army as a place for only people who aren’t powerful enough to get out..in my opinion it can cause a lot more bitterness between people..
But that’s just my opinion, and I haven’t gone to the army so I can’t judge 😀
My favorite part of this post is (Having a “guy” for everything) and that is true. Almost everyone depends on someone to make their “job” easier; and not to just get to some position or have a favor done. People do it out of habit nowadays. I feel that they literally think that calling “the guy” is the best solution for everything. Rarely do I see someone who depends on himself ( or herself for that matter ) on the important and the little stuff!
I’m not going to be a hypocrite and say that I didn’t resort to the guy before, but I only did it when there was absolutely no way out. As a society; you are often discouraged when you try to do things on your own. It’s almost as if they’re blaming you for not calling “the guy”; their excuse is “That’s what the guy is for, and he is obliged to do so. We did a lot for him and it’s time he re-payed the favor”.
As for (Becoming a chameleon); it comes naturally for some people. Although for them it’s not a choice nor is it a good thing; because they tend to fade away instead of adapting like a chameleon. And I think that some people aren’t just worth adapting to. Sure they have their respective point of views, but they are trivial people with trivial interests!
In your reply to the previous comment you said and I quote “the English makes some people think I’m some sort of Americanized bitch who enjoys mocking third world countries”. I don’t think that is true. The English may cause some people to behave in a certain bad way for two reasons. a) they are insecure and b) they just love to يفتي . Egyptians ( more than anyone I presume ) loves to babble about anything and everything. They have no idea what they are talking about, they just love to talk; kinda like what I do but I do it in English 😀
The thing I didn’t like was the fact that you spent way too much time on (Handling pushy grandmothers). I don’t think that it was such an interesting skill per se to talk about, not mention how long you went on and on to describe it. Please forgive me. I’m not criticizing you ( well technically I am but it’s not my intention ). I’m just telling you how I feel about it, because I know that you appreciate it when people comment truthfully without being rude or anything.
P.S: You ROCK! and keep up the good work 🙂
Thanks for your insightful comment! I welcome your criticism; you might be right. Sometimes I ramble about things I find funny that may not necessarily be that funny to others 😀
And I think you read the mentality of Egyptians very well, and that’s impressive! Thank you so much for your kind words, I’m glad you like the blog 😀
Reblogged this on The Diaries and commented:
I love this, check her blog
one of my new favorite bloggers
Thank you so much for reblogging! You’re awesome! 😀
Dear Mona.
If you get the time.. check out my recent unbelievably worthless post.. http://namelesslastless.wordpress.com/2013/11/24/break-up/
Yours
………………….
Don’t ever call your posts worthless, dude. Words mean more than anything else 🙂 I’ll check it out.
I always say that Egypt is just one big ghetto.
It’s the harsh reality of the situation.
It really is. You said it perfectly!