10 internet things Egyptians need to stop doing

I’m not a big history buff, but I imagine that when the internet was invented, everyone in the world was thinking about how it would make life easier and lead us to a brighter and more developed future.

However, on the other side of the world, Egyptians were thinking about how the internet could help them annoy people on a larger scale. I think their ultimate goal was to make millions of people worldwide give themselves facepalms at the exact same moment.

Well, in that case, Egyptians, congratulations. Great job. Kudos to you.

Egyptians can be really funny sometimes, sure. But damn, when they want to be annoying, they can make you want to grab a machine gun and go on a murder spree. The following are just a few of the many things I think Egyptians need to stop doing on the internet right now. The world has suffered enough.

1. Quoting Egyptian movies and plays

Egyptians have this fascinating talent of memorizing every single insignificant line from every single movie or play. Their brains are filled to the brim with endless, meaningless quotations. I think they have so many of these stored in their heads that this is why they all stopped being able to process things that actually matter, like the country’s political state….or how to drive a freaking car.

I understand that having a sense of humor is the only thing Egyptians have going on right now, but too much of it is just..too much.

2. The Yao Ming meme

I don’t think Yao Ming minded when people made a meme out of his face, but I’m pretty sure he would commit suicide if he were to translate the Egyptian jokes that use his meme as a punchline.

Egyptians have abused, nay, they have raped this meme. Any annoying guy who has nothing better to do than sit on his computer and put way too much gel on his hair now decides to post awful, annoying and unfunny jokes online.

The jokes would normally get spit on or marked as spam, but as soon as he puts the meme -bang! Everyone loves it. Suddenly it’s witty and hilarious. People start sending it on Whatsapp groups, sharing it on Facebook, tweeting it..and then you are surrounded by that awful joke on every single electronic device you own and you have nowhere to run.

And if you’re trying to be smart and consider going out for some fresh air and leave the electronics at home, think again. Go out and you’ll feast your eyes on the new Yao Ming merchandise; T-shirts, pins and God knows what else.

Hahahaha that's so funny. On a totally unrelated note, have you seen my gun?

Hahahaha that’s so funny. On a totally unrelated note, have you seen my gun?

3. Laughing

These are examples of how normal people type when they find something funny:

a) Hahahahaha

b) Hehehehehehe

This is how Egyptians type when they find something funny:

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

No one understands how this originated and why the hell it is so common, but it’s a wonder how one letter is capable of pissing someone off so much.

Laugh like normal people, Egyptians. It’s enough that most parts of the world think we ride camels and live in tents..you want them to think we hyperventilate when we laugh, too?

4. Loving Tamer Hosny

If Tamer Hosny posted a video of himself sitting on the toilet, I shit you not (pun intended, sorry), that people will still comment and talk about him as if he were a god.

One simple example is his awful song with Snoop Dogg. They created the most sexist noise pollution I have ever been exposed to, and Egyptians -and yes, most of which were females- still got on youtube and commented about how wonderful was. It’s like they didn’t even bother listening to the actual song.

Here is a small, carefully selected sample of the comments on the youtube video.

“3njad HERO o a7la hero yn3an ana ❤ <3”

“Tamer Hosny the king of generation forever 3almyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ (y) (y) (y)”

“7abeby Rabena Ye7mik Ya Rab Men Kol Shar <3”

“يارب زوجي مايشوف الكليب هههههههههههههههههههه”

The hypothesis I can derive from the sample simply points to the fact that Egyptians are all in need of heavy doses of therapy and awareness of what sexism is.

5. Capitalizing the first letter in everything they type

Hey, Let Me Tell You Something: Isn’t This Annoying To Look At? Not To Mention Grammatically Disastrous? Why Would You Capitalize The First Letter Of Every Single Thing You Type, Like Facebook Statuses Or Tweets? Do You Feel Like Your Life Is A Series Of Badly Written Book Titles?

6. Abusing the “franco arab” concept

Franco arab typing was a rather smart solution for Egyptians who had trouble typing in Arabic. However, we can all safely admit that it is a bit of an eyesore. Our brains were not really meant to process sentences composed of letters incorporated with numbers that way.

That being said, it’s okay to type in franco arab; I do it sometimes. But you don’t have to abuse it. If you can type something in english or even in franco arab without the numbers, do it! For example, why use an “8” when you can just use a “Q”? It’s right there on your keyboard, I swear.

7. Bragging through pictures

So you went partying in Europe one time and decided to take 200 pictures with blonde individuals. We get it. You met foreigners. You danced. You drank alcohol. You dressed provocatively.

You are not being subtle.

Furthermore, it is really no reason to brag. Blondes are just as human as the rest of us. That picture of you with the waitress at Hooters is really not making anyone jealous, except for your extra horny friends. And you probably do not want to know what they do after they see the picture, trust me.

8. Religious chain messages

So if I don’t click the “share” button next to your religious post it means that the devil is sitting on my keyboard? It means I’m an infidel?

Do Egyptians really need to be told that God does not care about whether or not they click on a “share” button? Do they really believe that on the day of judgement they will get fried just because they didn’t tell all their facebook friends that one religious tip?

Did it ever occur to them that rather than sharing the post, they could..I don’t know, just practice what they preach? Clicking the button really won’t do you shit, you know. God doesn’t care about your facebook timeline.

9. Facebook statuses

Yes, Ahmed, we get that you went to the gym today, then to work, then that you were hungry at work, then that you went to the bathroom, then that you went out for coffee and that you went home tired and exhausted. We do not need to know every exact move you make. WE ARE NOT YOUR PARENTS.

10. Misunderstanding Twitter

The main advantage that twitter has over facebook (other than generally having smarter users) is that Twitter does not have the “friend” system. You follow whoever you want and simply don’t follow the people you don’t want.

Egyptians tend to misunderstand the concept. People have complained and gotten upset numerous times for the mere reason that I wasn’t following them on twitter. But it makes no sense; why the hell would I follow you when I don’t want to read your tweets about heartbreak and bitching about traffic? Why do you assume that I have masochistic tendencies?

The bottom line:

I think that there should be some kind of service where you pay someone to break into a bad internet user’s house and have them destroy their internet routers beyond repair -and then blackmail internet providers not to provide further internet for these people.

It’s a public service, really. The world will thank us.

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